Stream It or Skip It?

So, Bone Lake (now on Netflix): Is that a euphemism or a literalism? Trick question – it’s both. In Mercedes Bryce Morgan’s cheeky horror flick, Bone Lake is a body of water that once washed up a bunch of human skeletons; it’s also the location of a gorgeous mansion-for-rent that makes for a keen getaway for couples hoping to do a little of the ol’ in-out. An ideal slaughterama setup, then? Consider the disappointment if it wasn’t.

BONE LAKE: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT? 

The Gist: Let’s just call the cold open here disconcerting and leave it at that. There’s nude people running through the forest, and an unseen maniac with a crossbow – and a shot that’ll draw sickos in closer and everyone else out of the room. Now we meet normie couple Sage (Maddie Hasson) and Diego (Marco Pigossi) as they drive to that very locale for a weekend away. He has an engagement ring hidden – and no job. He just quit his community college teaching gig to write a novel, and the implication is, that novel is almost certainly a miserable read. She’s working to support them these days and likely staying mum on the quality of said novel. They get to Bone Lake with its immense mansion with some creepy paintings on the walls and creepy locked doors but hey the rest of it is postcard-worthy, especially the room with the bear rug in it. The bear rug on which they schtup, and when Sage says she’s satisfied, we have the nagging suspicion she really isn’t. 

Just as they’ve finished (well, one of them anyway) a car pulls up the drive. Inside is an un-normie couple, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nechita), which is short for “Cinnamon” but sounds like one of those things the bible goes on and on and on about. They are conventionally hot in that Abercrombie and Fitch swimwear shoot way. It seems the Bone Lake mansion has been accidentally double booked, and the owner isn’t answering the phone. Everyone seems nice enough, I guess, and I also guess the place is huge enough to accommodate both couples, so the almost reasonable thing to do is just go on ahead with the weekend and keep the humping to private spaces. And at this point we cut away to a shot of the bottom of the lake, which is littered with wrecked cars and body-shaped bags chained to heavy things. Curious!

As the two couples hang out with the slight awkwardness you’d expect among strangers, it becomes increasingly clear that Cin and Will are nice enough but more than crazy enough for all of them. They worm inside Sage and Diego’s minds a little, getting our normies to share bits about themselves and their relationship. Then our shapely chiseled perfect hair-having lunatic model couple gets to manipulatin’. Effin’ with ’em. Attempts at seduction. Sharing a little molly. Having sex so the whole county can hear. Mischievously breaking into the rooms behind the creepy locked doors and discovering an S&M dungeon and a seance/ouija board room that would get Beelzebub’s stamp of approval. Why don’t Sage and Diego just leave? Well, Cin says she works with a famous author and can get the guy’s eyes on Diego’s mediocre writing. In case you haven’t figured it out, this is all top-shelf grade-A head-of-the-class fuckery, and of course, it’s leading to things. Nasty things? What other things could they be, really?

What Movies Will It Remind You Of? Last time we saw an AirBnB mixup, it became the events of Barbarian. And Morgan cites Funny Games as an influence, but it’s not too terribly influential, because Bone Lake didn’t disturb me to the point of turning it off.

Performance Worth Watching: Hasson and Nechita come off as, respectively, Temu versions of sincere Florence Pugh and winking Allison Williams.

Sex And Skin: Lots! May I directly quote the IMDb “parents guide” for you? A female character “appears fully nude while running frantically through the forest with a man, exposing her large breasts, shaved vulva and buttocks in numerous shots.” Thanks for the descriptive adjectives, horny IMDb rando! There’s plenty more to go with that, but you get the idea.

Our Take: The takeaway from Bone Lake is that hot people are inevitably evil psychos, or they wouldn’t spend so much time making themselves look like that, and that normies inevitably must settle for general mediocrities, e.g., poorly written novels and crummy sex lives. Which is to say, there’s very little complimentary football being played in this world, my friends. When the offense is cooking, the defense falls apart. When you’re physically beautiful, you’re misfiring mentally. Moral of the story? Well, the film’s observations about relationship dynamics are partly insightful, partly fodder to set up the mind-games plot. So the obvious message is, botox and spin class will eventually turn you into a murderer.

Bone Lake hooks us in the opening sequence with outright lunacy, settles into an hour of slightly patience-testing buildup and a final stretch that delivers prolific gore and shock-comedy. In retrospect, that hour might’ve been funnier than it initially let on, but it’s lackluster relative to the gonzo finale. Morgan – whose visual acumen is prevalent in the provocative angles and color scheme – navigates a tonal shift that hard-lefts into pitch-black satire that’s rigorous and potent enough to make you wish the film had nurtured that notion from the get-go. Does the director bring it home or is it too little too late? I’m on the fence. The foreplay was fine, functional, a bit rote and familiar, but maybe it’s the finish that counts? 

Our Call: Bone Lake is no game-changer, but its rock solid filmmaking and fleeting flirtations with greatness has us looking forward to Morgan’s next film. STREAM IT.

John Serba is a freelance film critic from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Werner Herzog hugged him once.