Stream It Or Skip It?

Noah’s Arc: The Movie (now streaming on Paramount+ with Showtime) is the second feature-length spinoff and 20th anniversary celebration of Noah’s Arc, the series about gay Los Angelenos that ran for two seasons in 2005-06 on the Logo network, and continued with 2008 movie Noah’s Arc: Jumping the Broom. Creator Patrik Ian-Polk directs and co-writes the new film, arriving in time for Pride Month, and bringing back key cast members to reprise their roles – and if we learn anything from this reunion-slash-revisitation, these guys are a little older, a little more professionally accomplished and still horny as hell.

The Gist: Right off the bat, Noah (Darryl Stephens) narrates a little ketchup montage: He’s a successful TV producer, and still married to Wade (Jensen Atwood), now a music producer; they live in bliss, and a surrogate mother is about to give birth to their twins. Alex (Rodney Chester) now owns a drag club where he’s the headlining queen; he and his partner Trey (Gregory Kieth) are raising their adopted trans teen daughter Olivia (Mariyea). Ricky (Christian Vincent) maintains his status as a free spirit, and is it me, or is he getting short script shrift, and not given enough to do here? Chance (Doug Spearman) is still “the most rational” one among the group, and things don’t seem great with his partner Eddie (Jonathan Julian), and methinks it might be more than midlife crises or a fill-in-the-blank-year-itch.

“All of us are about to start a new chapter,” Noah narrates. He just wrapped the final episode of his hit zombie-thriller series, and Wade buys him a minivan so he can shift into stay-at-home dad mode and truck around their pending babies. But! Noah gets a call for the project of a lifetime, and even though nobody explicitly mentions the proper name, the gig would be for someone referred to as “Queen B.” Hmm. And then Wade lands a primo gig producing a record for 19-year-old star rapper 2-Tone (Jasun Jabbar). Careers. Family. Something always has to give. They interview a slew of prospective nannies and land on the one that isn’t a dingdong, and she happens to be so strict and thorough, she forces them to take care of two lifelike dolls that need to be fed and burped and, inevitably, cry like crazy when their dads are trying to get biz-ay.

Meanwhile, subplots occur: Olivia, weary of clashing with Alex and Trey, asks to move in with Noah and Wade for a while, and they oblige. 2-Tone can’t stay out of trouble with the law, thus threatening the record deal – so he moves in too, so Wade can watch out for him. Ricky seems to be troubled by something and reluctant to share it. Chance catches the eye of a waiter at the drag club, and feels big fat gobs of guilt. Everyone gets a shot at taking care of the baby dolls, which are a major pain in the ass. Life! It happens. Maybe not quite like this, but the movie’s sometimes sort of like it.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: What’s the last movie I watched that spun off from a property that’s been dormant for more than a decade? I think it was Rocko’s Modern Life: Static Cling. (Although to be fair, Noah’s Arc returned with a Covid-themed short film.)

Performance Worth Watching: Stephens is given the most to do here, and ably holds together the movie’s various narrative strands.

Memorable Dialogue: Re: dating apps: “Do people still say ‘Hi,’ or is it just ‘SEND DICK PICS AND BUTTHOLE SHOTS’?”

Sex and Skin: A few sex scenes of the TV-MA variety, but nothing explicit.

Our Take: The content of Noah’s Arc has progressed beyond its basic-cable roots – I’ll say it again: these characters are HORNY – but the production values have not. Ian-Polk duct-tapes together an odd mismash of tones: Conflicts rooted in heavy-duty subject matter (death, illness, parenthood, etc.) tend toward simplistic resolutions, as dictated by the movie’s sitcom roots. He also stretches the show’s broadly comic boundaries to include rampant shirtlessness, moany-groany sex scenes and edgy jokes, while awkwardly attempting to balance earnestness with camp. Meanwhile, it’s all shot like it’s 2005 and we’re still contemplating whether we should ditch the old tube TV for one of those fancy flatscreens.

All of this is more likely to alienate newcomers and be overlooked by Noah’s Arc fans who are just happy to catch up with their favorite characters and spend a little more time with them. That’s why projects like this exist – to stoke nostalgia while showing us who these people have become in the last decade or two. One thing Noah and co. could do is learn to communicate better with their respective partners, which is a recurring theme in the movie; but if they didn’t, there might not be enough conflict to sustain 84 minutes. Which is to say, these characters could be stronger, but at least they’re relatable and therefore easy to forgive for their shortcomings and relative shallowness. Score one for LGBTQ representation, but deduct one for tonal inconsistency and dumb doll-based humor.  

Our Call: Noah’s Arc: The Movie is a classic FFO (For Fans Only) endeavor. You know who you are and what you’re in for, so you should STREAM IT while the rest of us kindly pass. 

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.