Let The Cards Fall As They Will

It’s been about a year since season three of The Traitors. You remember it, don’t you? The one where the Traitors all turned on each other, the one where Danielle Reyes was constantly over-acting, the one where Dylan Efron and Gabby Windey became America’s sweethearts? If you haven’t seen it, stop what you’re doing and binge the whole thing, I’ll wait.

As much as I loved that season I also hated it, because the Traitors themselves threw the whole season into disarray, making it an every-Traitor-for-themself game. (Having just watched the Celebrity Traitors UK, I can say that it was the perfect, soothing antidote to the backstabbing of Season 3.) And now that season four of The Traitors is here, it actually seems as though the new Traitors know that teamwork makes the dreamwork and right off the bat, they take a little oath of loyalty to each other. Maybe that’s a little dig at Traitors past (or maybe I just want it to be) but I’m ready for there to not be as much chaos in the turret, that’s for sure. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This season on The Traitors, 23 celebrities have gathered once again at Alan Cumming‘s house* (*not actually Alan Cumming’s house). The contestants are a who’s who of reality stars, athletes, and performers: Rob Rausch, Mark Ballas, Colton Underwood, Eric Nam, Stephen Colletti, Lisa Rinna, Donna Kelce, Dorinda Medley (who returns after getting eliminated early on last season, and now declares, “I rose from the bogs of Scotland!”), Porsha Williams, Natalie Anderson, Candiace Dillard Bassett, Tara Lipinski, Michael Rapaport, Rob Cesternino, Kristen Kish, Monét X Change, Ian Terry, Caroline Stanbury, Ron Funches, and Johnny Weir. Almost immediately after they assemble at Ardross Castle in the Scottish Highlands, Cumming reveals that one of them will instantly be chosen as a Traitor. Damn, buy a group of Faithfuls a drink first, Alan.

Cumming has a group of 23 boxes, and one of them contains a Traitor card while the rest are empty. One by one, he invites the competitors to look inside their box, and one by one they respond with their best poker face (except for Michael Rapaport who appears giddy after looking in his box. His two settings so far on the show seem to be “giddy” or “furious”).

In a first for the show, the identity of the Traitor is not revealed – not to us, and not to the other Traitors who will be eventually chosen. Ron Funches says he’s “nervous and excited in a way that makes me have to poop a little,” and that seems like the only valid response to this entire twist. It’s a genuine thrill to watch this show and not be an omniscient observer anymore – to have this information witheld allows us to feel like we’re a true Faithful, too. Alan explains that eventually, the Traitor’s identity will be revealed, but for now, they walk among the Faithful and none of us are the wiser.

Some of the contestants already have relationships: figure skaters Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir are besties (but plan to keep that on the down low for strategic reasons). All the Real Housewives are friendly (but not necessarily allies). Michael Rapaport is a Housewives superfan his “giddy” setting is activated by being in their company. Donna Kelce is just here to have a valuable life experience and doesn’t know anyone. It’s a truly eclectic mix.

Later that night, after actually having some time to get to know each other and speculate about who they think was selected to be the Secret Traitor, Alan summons them to the round table to select the rest of the Traitors. As they’re all blindfolded, he taps three new Traitors on the shoulder, selecting Real Housewives stars Lisa Rinna and Candiace Dillard Bassett, along with Love Island USA‘s Rob Rausch.

Before she was even chosen as a Traitor, Lisa said in a confessional, “I would like to be the most iconic Traitor ever,” and she’s that much closer to realizing this dream. Although, in a super cringe moment, Candiace, playing the part as a speculative Faithful, actually tells a room full of people she thinks Lisa is a Traitor. Whether it will have any bearing on people’s opinions remains to be seen, but it’s not the only time Candiace will have a little misstep as a Traitor and cause us to worry that she’s going to give herself (or another Traitor) away.

When the three Traitors all meet in the turret, they instantly bond over their treacherous new roles (and make their loyalty pact), but they’re dismayed to realize that none of them are the Secret Traitor. Alan arrives to explain the twist, revealing that even they will not know the identity of the Secret Traitor yet, but every night, they’ll receive a shortlist of names written by the Secret Traitor, and they’ll have to pick who to murder from that list. It occurs to me that while being the Secret Traitor is probably incredibly fun, but also comes with its drawbacks: no cloak, no bonding time in the turret… a lonely existence for sure.

For the players’ first challenge, they’re brought to a Scottish loch where 100 hollow wooden coffins are floating like buoys. Alan, also dressed impeccably as a coffin, explains that the twelve of the coffins are worth money, $2500 each, and must be towed to shore, and the coffins are to be placed in graves with the players’ names on them.

The contestants are broken into three groups, and each group is guided early on by a self-selected leader: Rob R., Rob C. and Stephen. The goal is to not just row out to the coffins and tow them all in to earn the most money, but any contestant with a coffin in their grave will be placed up for murder that night, anyone without a coffin in their grave gets a shield and will be protected. This leads the teams with one plan: try to fill the graves of those not in their boat.

As the challenge continues and people start to notice the graves being filled, the teams make and break alliances with each other in an effort to save themselves. “The Faithfuls are in a tizzy and I f—ing love it,” Lisa says, knowing that even if a coffin is placed in her grave, she’ll be safe. The gamers, like Rob. C and Ian, are furious that everyone is just throwing coffins into graves willy-nilly with no strategy, but time is of the essence here and literally no one is getting granular about strategy yet.

Rob R. does end up with a coffin in his grave, and he and the rest of the competitors with coffins in their graves are not just up for murder, but they’re forced to stay behind and fill their graves in with dirt while the rest of their groups get to return to the castle. Those who are now up for murder are Donna Kelce (“She’s America’s mom. But in this game, America’s mom might need to die,” Candiace says, justifying why she put the coffin in Donna’s grave), Michael Rapaport, who is taking this game very personally, hence his “furious” mode when he sees the coffin by his name, Eric Nam, Ian Terry, Ron Funches, Dorinda, Rob C. and Mark Ballas.

When the teams are driving back to the castle, Candiace strikes again with her poorly-thought-out Traitor tactics, telling her fellow Housewife Porsha that while they were in their boat, Michael suggested that they put coffins in the Housewives’ graves. Now, Michael did speculate that there would be at least one Housewife Traitor, but he didn’t say they should put the coffins in their graves. Candiace probably didn’t count on Porsha going straight to Michael to confront him with this after they all got back to the castle, leading nearly the entire cast to confront Candiace about what she claims Michael said. Candiace walked back her accusation, saying, “You misheard me,” and explaining that she’s just heart a “lot of whispers” about Michael “wanting to target Housewives.” Still, she seems like a deer in headlights when confronted and the situation is tense and casts suspicion on both her and Michael.

It also starts to concern Candiace’s fellow Traitors who worry that Candiace is not flying under the radar enough. But it turns out that for this episode, Candiace isn’t the Traitor we need to worry about. When the three known Traitors convene in the turret for the first murder, they’re given a shortlist of possible victims written by the Secret Traitor. That’s when we learn the other twist –– the Secret Traitor doesn’t know their identities either, so Rob R. finds himself on the shortlist along with Ian, Mark and Eric. Of course, he’s not going to choose himself for murder and he’ll ultimately be safe, but it’s a real kick in the pants to realize that the Secret Traitor has a completely separate agenda from theirs. One that could absolutely shake up the game this season.

Who could be the Secret Traitor?

As a coda to these episodic recaps, I’m planning to keep track of all the players who have been added to the Secret Traitor’s shortlist in an effort to narrow down the Secret Traitor’s identity. We already know that Rob R. is a Traitor, and with Ian, Eric and Mark on this week’s murder list, I think we can safely rule out any of them, I think the risk is just too high for the Secret Traitor to put themself up for murder. Any guesses as to who it could be? My gut says Yam Yam. I know I’m gonna sound like a misguided Faithful but his conversation with Monét X Change when they first met in the castle felt awkward to me. I’m going to stick with that… until I decide to change my mind.

Liz Kocan is a pop culture writer living in Massachusetts. Her biggest claim to fame is the time she won on the game show Chain Reaction.