How should I deal with my hurtful mother-in-law?

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with my mother-in-law has been rocky for the nine years I’ve been married to her daughter. She has been very hurtful at times, saying things like, “You’re not welcome [in her house].” She has never accepted me.

She was recently unable to stay within the boundaries my wife and I set with her when she visited us. We had asked her to keep it light and just enjoy lunch together, but she started telling us my wife should apologize to her niece over a trivial misunderstanding. When I asked her to leave, she started crying and said, “I’m so disappointed that my first-born married such an awful human being.” Advice? — DISRESPECTED IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR DISRESPECTED: Clearly, you do not like your mother-in-law, and the feelings are mutual. She was wrong to cross the boundary by criticizing your wife during that lunch, but you may have overstepped by ordering her to leave. Depending upon how close a relationship your wife would like to have with her mother, some sessions with a licensed family therapist may be in order if the three of you are willing.

DEAR ABBY: When I was invited to see the birth of my great- grandchild, I said yes. I was told if my granddaughter didn’t give birth by the 14th of the month at the latest, the doctor would induce on that day. I forgot it could happen on any day. I went out of town on Friday the 11th, which is when my granddaughter called to let me know she was on her way to the hospital.

I missed the birth of my great-granddaughter! I know it’s my fault, and I am heartbroken because I can never get that back. Also, my granddaughter is no longer speaking to me. I’ve tried calling her, but she won’t answer. I feel so horribly sad, like I’ve made the mistake of a lifetime. Please advise. — TRIPPED UP IN COLORADO

DEAR TRIPPED UP: While your absence at your great-grandchild’s birth was unfortunate, it is not the mistake of a lifetime. You are human, and human beings make mistakes. That your granddaughter won’t speak to you is regrettable, but hopefully she’ll mellow after she receives your large bouquet of flowers and abject letter of apology.

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law says I am lazy and antisocial because I use the drive-up grocery option. I told him that when I use the drive-up, I do less impulse buying and save time and money. Am I wrong? — INSULTED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR INSULTED: Of course you are not wrong. What you are doing works for you, and you shouldn’t be criticized for it. Ask yourself why your passive-aggressive son-in-law feels the need to put you down. Is there something else going on in your relationship with him … or in his head?

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.