Election season is here — so get ready for the door knockers trying to swing it for their candidate

Pollsters aren’t ding-dongs

Door-to-door bell ringers say ringing unknown bells influences an election. I’ll tell you exactly how that works. How do I know? I was once one of them.

A research company field director’s requirements: Age 40-ish. Female. Kids out of house, throw them in school or to your mother-in-law, don’t depend on job, but want something to do.

Three days’ training. Rules: Don’t bias an answer. Can’t accept the person’s “Well, he’s like my father.” Or “Reminds me of my grandpa.” Unless person actually explains “what is it you like about your grandfather?” If no further info comes forth thank them politely. Move on.

Comfortable walking shoes. Conservative clothing. Women home alone daytime can be afraid to open doors.

One lady, 43, lightly dyed brown hair, single, unmarried, too busy for her 10-minute interview, answered shouted questions as she lumbered down her staircase — so right away everyone figured she’s a dedicated voter. However, missing her footing she fell all the way down. Ended up the interviewer had to sit there one hour, wait on those stairs for medics to come, escort her to the hospital for what became a broken shoulder. How do I know? I know because the interviewer was ME!

The pay? A few dollars per hour. Takes nerve to ring a bell. Your initial run is with a trainer. This supervisor may make the interviewee doubly nervous. Loners can invite you for coffee, even to join for dinner. No. Wastes time. If a resident says “Come back tomorrow” you know they’ll never work out.

Requires intelligence but no need to be Mensa. Open country requires a car.

High-level neighborhoods you call for an appointment. If wife alone was interviewed, leave a card so if husband chooses he can call.

One rainy day I was assigned New Jersey. A lone soaking wet dog shivered outside. I was so upset I couldn’t think of anything else. So I asked the respondent, “Aren’t you taking in your dog?” Wasn’t even her dog yet he jumped inside shivering and shaking all over her living room sofa and stuffed chairs.

The feeling is it might’ve been this that shattered my career as a pollster.

Time for laughter

Caroline Hirsch’s upcoming New York Comedy Festival has lined up 100 shows in addition to performances from funny people like Margaret Cho, Louis C.K., Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris.

No one’s laughin’

While comedy continues, elections continue, psychopath Putin continues. His gigantic underground bunker could protect the George Washington Bridge holding up the Statue of Liberty, so he hasn’t fear. Only ego. He knows the USA won’t trigger World War III, so this will grind along longer than it takes for Kamala to shut up or Biden to find his way out of the john.

Space cases

John Denver, born in Roswell, NM, claimed he saw a spaceship with five on board and was annoyed when endlessly asked if it’s true he’s the child of a UFO . . . Dan Aykroyd, who has a home in Martha’s Vineyard: “I saw two. High altitude. There was an ozonic smell. Like someone communicating.” . . . Charlie Sheen said he once was buzzed by a spacecraft while on a deserted Malibu beach.

Enough already. Even I’m getting tired of me. Another column tomorrow. Then, I’m taking off for the holiday. I need that time to pray for all of you!