‘Bachelor in Paradise’s April Kirkwood on The Shocking Decision to Give Jonathon Johnson Her Rose: “I Always Carry My Heart in a Wheelbarrow in Front of Me”

When I hung up my Zoom call with April Kirkwood, the 67-year-old therapist who Bachelor Nation first fell in love with on The Golden Bachelor, the vibes were positively immaculate.

From the moment Kirkwood exited her Golden Bachelor limo with a basket of eggs and did a sexy chicken dance for Gerry Turner in a nod to her Ohio chicken farm roots, she exuded star power, humor, and a contagious zest for life. She cleansed the Bachelor Mansion with sage, faked a pickleball injury, stole every scene she was in, and made lasting friendships before being eliminated in Week 4. But when Bachelor in Paradise revealed Golden contestants would be hitting the beach for the first time ever in Season 10, she returned more confident, unfiltered, and authentic than ever before.

“I did a lot of inner work for two years. And I came back, I like to think, more energetic, raising my frequency, more alive, more light, more happy, and being able to let all the parts of me out,” Kirkwood told Decider. “This time, I wanted to try to see what it was like to let my true self out. And I loved it.”

Kirkwood, who ended our interview with a heartwarming prayer, radiates positivity and seeks to inspire others to “shake it off,” to quote her beloved Taylor Swift. In honor of her triumphant return to the Bachelor franchise, the sexy senior opened up about her transformative reality TV experiences, the ASKN drama (with Golden gals Susan Noles, Kathy Swarts, and Nancy Hulkower), her mini-me Kat Izzo, her shocking Jonathon Johnson rose, her connection with Sean McLaughlin, and more.

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DECIDER: You’ve said your time on The Golden Bachelor acted as a transformational reawakening. Looking back on your Bachelor in Paradise journey, what surprised you the most? Did you feel changed by this experience as well?

APRIL KIRKWOOD: The past experience, I realized that I still had issues. When something happens to somebody, everybody goes, “Well, you made me mad, you made me do it, blah, blah.” That’s really not the case. I’m a therapist. What is happening is you are being triggered. Your soulful self is saying, “Ah, ha. There’s more here that needs to be done. Wake up, wake up.” So I decided after that first experience that I had some work to do. I had contacted people from Italy and England. I really did a lot of inner work for two years. And I came back, I like to think, more energetic, raising my frequency, more alive, more light, more happy, and being able to let all the parts of me out. We all have different parts of ourselves. And I thought, “I’m just gonna go for it. I just need to be me.” So this time I went to try to see what it was like to let my true self out. And I loved it.

You and your Paradise roommate Kat are such an iconic duo. Regardless of how this journey turns out for you romantically, do you feel you found a soulmate of sorts in Kat?

I think Kat and I have a very similar childhood. I think Kat and I worked really hard to be beautiful at first, probably growing up to hide our sorrow and our feelings of low self-worth, and I can identify with her. I’m that girl. I’m her and she’s me. Hopefully at this age where I’m transcending all of that stuff and letting it go or seeing it differently like a gift, all those bad things that happened to me have made me a better person, not a worse person. And some people came in to teach me those things. How grateful am I that some people would really play the villain just to make sure I grow. So I saw in her a lot of me, and I will always be for her. I’ve spoken to her mother. I text her quite often. She’s a lovely woman. Kat’s a love, but she is emotional. And I think she ricochets, like what I did when I was her age. I would react instead of stopping and listening, and most of us do that. We’re always listening, but not really. We’re trying to figure out what we’re gonna say next.

In Episode 4, we saw some drama between Kat and Dale. She ultimately gave him her rose, but it looks like the arguing continues. As a therapist, what was your take on that fight? Did you also see some red flags there?

Yeah, I did see some red flags there. But I also saw Kat revealing more of herself and really saying, “I don’t understand.” There’s a thin line between revealing yourself and being smart. You know what I mean? Like, smart — “Is this a good relationship? Are these red flags? Should I back up?” But the heart has no mind. In fact, the front part of your globe, when you fall in love, actually disappears for two years. If I ever fall in love, please call me back and tell me everything I’m telling you, because I will have lost it. [Laughs] It happens, and you just don’t know what to do. She’s feeling her way through life like I did. I could just identify with her. I love her.

I have to ask about ASKN, one of the most beloved takeaways from The Golden Bachelor. There was a little falling out ahead of Paradise. But with Kathy and Nancy on the beach, were you glad you got a chance to reconnect with them? Is everyone good now?

The real reason I went was to see them and to get another opportunity to be in the company of those girls and make it right. I was willing to do whatever it took. I’ve done my work for two years. I saw that some of the things that triggered me were my stuff, that wasn’t their stuff. I also had to decide on this person, maybe I can make them be my friend. Can I take their dark side, their bright side, their crazy side, their sad side? Am I willing to take responsibility and love them through all of it? And I decided I was. I came in saying, “I will never do anything to hurt you again. I will always hear.” Kathy calls me sometimes upset, sometimes funny. Nancy, too. I think I’ve become more of a cheerleader for them. They see me differently, and I see them. I’ve just decided they’re my people.

The biggest twist in Episode 4 was you giving Jonathon your rose. He was so shocked by the decision. He said he’d already packed his bags. Why did you ultimately choose him? And were you worried about blindsiding Jack after you guys had a pretty validating conversation ahead of the rose ceremony?

I always carry my heart in a wheelbarrow in front of me, not just on my sleeve. And when I was standing there on the bleachers, I was looking over. I’m pretty intuitive, and I didn’t see my forever there at that point in the show. He was not there at that time. I thought to myself, “This isn’t right. I really want love.” I really did go there to love. And no one made me say anything or do anything. No one can. It wouldn’t be possible. I think that’s why they don’t use me more. I think they’re like, “We don’t know what the heck she’s gonna do.” So I was looking at everybody, and then I saw poor Jonathon, and I’ve been a guidance counselor and teacher for years and I always go for the downhearted person. So, I looked at him and I thought, “He’s young. He’s gorgeous. I think he’s wonderful. I’m gonna give him another chance. I already have another chance this week, so this will be a win-win. I’ll give him a chance and I’ll have a chance. Not for us to be together, but for him to find love. New people will be coming.” And that’s what I did.

Since this hybrid season was announced, there’s been speculation about potential age gap romances or make-outs. There have been some rumors floating around about you and Sean McLaughlin. I know you can’t spoil anything, but what can you say about Sean having met him in Paradise?

I adore him. I think he’s so cute, and hot, and well-groomed. I don’t know what he uses on his face to moisturize it. He’s just the typical yacht boy that every girl wants to marry. I don’t know if he’s a trust fund baby or whatever, but whatever it is, it’s working. And yeah, we have fun together. So you’ve got to tune in and see it. All I will say is: [Bird call] “Ka-ha-ha! Ka-ha-ha! Ka-ha-ha!” [Laughs]

The preview for Episode 5 does give a little glimpse at the intense Birds of Paradise chemistry test, where it seems like you get quite the kiss. What else you can tease about that challenge?

[Bird call] Ka-ha-ha! Ka-ha-ha! Ka-ha-ha! [Laughs]

With only three Golden men available next week and six Golden women, how do Nancy and Faith’s arrivals impact the golden dynamic this week? Was it challenging for you, even though they are friends, to have the extra competition?

First of all, I don’t do math well, obviously. I didn’t figure out the numbers. I’m not playing a game. I’m just “La la! In loveland! Trying to find where is he.” So [the Golden women] were a little upset at me. It was like being at a bar all night drinking, and at two o’clock, the lights come on. And the lights came on when Faith and Nancy showed up, because I thought, “Oh, this is what they mean.” Then I started doing the numbers. They weren’t mad, but disappointed. Leslie was like, “Now you screwed our chances!” I can’t quote her exactly, but I felt a lot of angst. I love Leslie, we’re besties. I talked to her three times yesterday. We’re connected at the hip, us girls. So I didn’t mean to do that. That was a slip of me not being a mathematician. I don’t think in those terms. I think in love terms.

In your Bachelor bio, you said you love Taylor Swift. So is there a song of hers you feel sums up your Bachelor in Paradise journey?

“Shake it off, shake it off! Shake it off, shake it off!” I do a little dance to that with my grandchildren. I just think we need to shake off any negative vibes, any bad frequencies. You are a frequency, I am a frequency. Stay in the place of love. The opposite of love is fear. If God is love, then fear is a dark energy. I refuse to have any contact that makes me fearful. So that is why I stay in my own little delicious bubble. It keeps me happy, and then when I’m happy, good things happen to me and then I get more happy. Stand in your power. You are so powerful, you have no idea. If you would stand in your power with your gratitude and your affirmations and all of that, it really does work. It’s changed my life.

This interview was edited for length and clarity.

New episodes of Bachelor in Paradise Season 10 premiere Mondays at 8:00 p.m. ET on ABC with next-day streaming on Hulu.