This mom’s dishwasher conversation with her son has a lesson every parent needs to hear

When Shelbie Huffman uploaded a video of a parenting moment with her son, she never imagined it would rack up more than nine million views.

What she did know was that the conversation mattered, because it wasn’t really about doing chores.

It was about teaching her son not to fall into the trap of weaponized incompetence.

“The journey to teaching Calvin about weaponized incompetence is moment by moment. It requires me to take full ownership, as I’ve contributed to it too. But more importantly, I’ve experienced the harm it can do and the turmoil it can bring to your life,” Shelbie told Kidspot.

“This is weaponized incompetence” 

Calvin is 12, a notoriously tumultuous age.

“We are growing up together, fully aware that it’s going to be a beautiful and messy ride,” Shelbie says.

In the clip, Shelbie tells Calvin she needs him to start taking more responsibility. Calvin pushes back, trying to explain his point of view.

They go back and forth, but one moment struck a particular chord with viewers.

“I will not give you step-by-step instructions when you are perfectly capable of doing something like this. You are perfectly capable of picking up your cereal bowl, dumping it in the sink, rinsing it out, and putting it in the dishwasher,” she tells him.

She then breaks down the concept of competence and what it means in real life.

“What you are trying to do right now, you don’t realize it, but as an adult, as a grown man, this is weaponized incompetence,” she explains.

For Shelbie, the conversation didn’t end when the camera stopped. Teaching Calvin about weaponized incompetence is such a personal mission.

“I have experienced the harm it can do and the turmoil it can bring to your life. Both causing it and receiving it,” she explained.  

@shelbiemarie7

Sharing this conversation with my oldest son— I had my phone setup to make a different video when this conversation/ confrontation happened. I’m sharing for a couple reasons—1.) learning to speak to our children in a way that serves them takes work but it matters so much. 2.) learning to let them speak to us in a way that serves them takes even MORE work. But is worth it. #change #parenting #consciousparenting

♬ original sound – Shelbie Marie

“I breathe a lot”

Her father and ex-husband both exhibited weaponized incompetence, which is why she is so conscious of educating her son about the signs and the toll it can take on relationships.

“I want Calvin to be a secure and authentic man who accepts himself and believes in himself and his capabilities. I’m not really trying to stamp out anything; if anything, I am trying to bring awareness,” she said. 

Teaching these lessons to her children isn’t easy. But she has coping mechanisms for when it does get tough.

“I breathe a lot. I also talk out loud to myself when I am really struggling. For example, if one of my kids offends me or triggers me, I will close my eyes, put my hand on my chest, and say, ‘Shelbie, listen to me. I know this is hard, but you are okay. It will be okay,’” she revealed. 

Sharing the conversation wasn’t about chasing views. It was about showing the raw reality of parenting and starting conversations that matter. 

“I want others who struggle to know that they aren’t alone. Seeing someone in the thick of it, in all its messy and raw honesty, is so much more relatable than reading about it in a parenting book,” she said. 

Her point is simple: weaponized incompetence is taught, often by how much independence parents take away from their kids. She believes the cycle can be broken by teaching responsibility early and paying attention to the communication style each child needs.

“Maybe parenting isn’t about what we can teach our kids. Maybe it’s about what they can teach us about ourselves as we raise them,” she noted.